This post is a departure for posts of late. My three littles are great. Love them to pieces. Sad over how fast they are growing up. Feel like a huge failure when they beg to stay home instead of go to daycare.*
The hubs and I had our first marriage counseling session yesterday. I am not going to go into detail about what led us to counseling, as really, that is unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Both the hubs and I went to our session expressing that we wanted to work through things and make our marriage work.
During counseling, the counselor asked us what had led us to counseling. The Hubs listed his concerns. I listed off my concerns.
Mine was a long list.
I was relieved after the first session was over. I realized I had been really nervous about disgorging all of the issues I saw in our relationship, primarily stemming from the Hubs' choices. I was nervous about how the Hubs would react, but he mostly nodded in affirmation when I spoke. Before speaking to the counselor, I had not told anyone else about the things I saw as issues. I am a very private person, and I do not want to bad-mouth my husband to anyone, lest they unfairly judge him in my venting. I also do not want people to know about conflict in my marriage.
After our session, my mind is muddled. Listing everything to another person, finally, has opened my eyes a bit. As we have started this process, I was terrified of the potential end result. Scared to be alone, but mostly scared to have to share custody of my kids should we split up. I love those three little beings so much and I don't want them to grow up in an unhappy home if it would come to that, but I also selfishly want to be their parent day in and day out, not part-time.
However, as I list all the things, note the ways in which the Hubs has breached my trust in the past, I can't help but think that things will never change. Is this the integral part of who he is? Although I felt initially that I was the one fighting to save our marriage and our family, my stance has now changed somewhat. What sacrifices to my own well-being and self-worth am I willing to make for our family if the Hubs doesn't change his behavior?
I do not deny my contribution to our need for counseling, but my list of all the things has also made me feel, to some extent, that I have initially shouldered too much of the "blame" and I am trying to determine how to communicate that I am not happy with this.
Our counselor communicated during our first session that it normally takes 3-6 months for couples to find the "sweet spot" in marriage counseling, and asked us to commit to that timeframe, which we have done, but oh my, I am not a fan of the shaky footing we are on now.
*I should clarify this is by no means a reflection on our daycare - they love it there. They are just feeling disconnected from mom and dad. We never seem to have enough hours in the day.
