I had a chiropractor appointment for the raging sciatica that has suddenly made my life miserable this week. Chronic pain sufferers - I am so sorry. I've only been dealing with this for four days. I hope I can get it under control because it's affecting my life.
Anyway, because of the immediate pain, I couldn't see my regular chiro, because she is like, the best ever and always pretty booked. So, as the chiro is doing all sorts of lovely cracking things to my back, he asks me this question:
"So, what do you do for fun?"
Umm..Ahh...well...go to the chiropractor?
Nothing. I do nothing. Does facebook surfing while half-watching whatever show the Hubs has chosen count? Candy Crush Soda Saga? Because that's pretty much all I do outside of mothering, laundry and work.
Maybe he should have asked "what would you do for fun if you could?"
Take my kids swimming, start running again, go camping, waterski, snow ski down the bunny hill (I am adverse to speed), read, crochet, knit, put puzzles together, grown-up color, learn to sew on my sewing machine that sits in the closet.
I suppose spending time with family counts. But that's not always fun for me. I need to start looking more for things that are fun for me.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Sharing the burden
Hubs and I tag-team daycare drop off in the morning. We have a routine - he takes Nugget and drops her in her room, and I take SB and BW to their room. Hubs checks the kids in on the computer system, and waits for me and we walk out together.
One thing that bothers me is that when Hubs and I are upset with each other, like we were this morning from an argument that lingered from last night, I'm sure it shows. I'm sure staff and other parents can tell that our demeanor toward another is different. I probably care too much about what people think, but it bothers me that this coolness is on display for everyone.
Our argument last night was over something simple, but turned into something hard, with anger. I have, for some reason, suffered from unrelenting sciatica for the past three days. That, coupled with lack of sleep and stress and frustration led to me getting more angry that I thought I could. I left the house to cool off. I'm ashamed that I got so angry. I'm ashamed and afraid that perhaps our voices were loud enough that they disturbed the sleep of SB and BW, and might have scared them. My early childhood was filled with lots of fighting between my parents. Most of the details I've forgotten, but a few I remember. I don't want my kids to have those memories, so I am ashamed it may have happened last night.
I can do daycare drop off (and pick up) on my own, and I have several times. It's a bit of a juggling act, and I may have clunked a toddler in the head with Nugget's infant seat once or twice, but it's not impossible. However, it is so much easier to share with Hubs, like everything else in life. I can do it on my own, but I want to do life with the person I love by my side. I want to share the burden. I want to support him when he needs it, and I want him to support me when I need it. Even after half a decade, we're still figuring this out - I expect it's a lifetime learning experience.
One thing that bothers me is that when Hubs and I are upset with each other, like we were this morning from an argument that lingered from last night, I'm sure it shows. I'm sure staff and other parents can tell that our demeanor toward another is different. I probably care too much about what people think, but it bothers me that this coolness is on display for everyone.
Our argument last night was over something simple, but turned into something hard, with anger. I have, for some reason, suffered from unrelenting sciatica for the past three days. That, coupled with lack of sleep and stress and frustration led to me getting more angry that I thought I could. I left the house to cool off. I'm ashamed that I got so angry. I'm ashamed and afraid that perhaps our voices were loud enough that they disturbed the sleep of SB and BW, and might have scared them. My early childhood was filled with lots of fighting between my parents. Most of the details I've forgotten, but a few I remember. I don't want my kids to have those memories, so I am ashamed it may have happened last night.
I can do daycare drop off (and pick up) on my own, and I have several times. It's a bit of a juggling act, and I may have clunked a toddler in the head with Nugget's infant seat once or twice, but it's not impossible. However, it is so much easier to share with Hubs, like everything else in life. I can do it on my own, but I want to do life with the person I love by my side. I want to share the burden. I want to support him when he needs it, and I want him to support me when I need it. Even after half a decade, we're still figuring this out - I expect it's a lifetime learning experience.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Me time
I packed up the three littles and went to visit my mom this weekend. She was working on a sewing project and I remarked that I needed to get out my sewing machine that the hubs gave me for Christmas last year and do some sewing. She chuckled and asked me when I was going to do that.
Sigh.
I WANT to learn to sew. My mom sewed a lot when I was growing up. She could whip up Halloween costumes, hem things, take things in, make me two prom dresses - you know, she's THAT good. She made my baptism gown, which was worn by BW for her baptism, and also made gowns for SB and Nugget. I want to make things for my kids, too. At least a freakin' pillowcase dress or blanket or something. Or be able to hem things or take skirts up so the length makes more sense on long, tall little girl legs. I can sew a button on, but otherwise haven't really done any sewing since 8th grade home ec class.
I also bought an adult coloring book and colored pencils. It's supposed to be as close to meditation without actually meditating that you can get. I'm waiting for them to be delivered. I'm not sure when I'm going to do that.
The hubs and I have discussions where he tells me he feels like he is the lowest priority. I'll admit, other things come before him a lot of the time. Work, kids, other family help...but I come in even below him. Well, except for sleep. I am not one of those people who can function on a few hours. Well, I guess I can, but it's not pretty. I have to triple-check emails for typing errors right now, and some still slip through. But I'm still trying to figure out how to carve time out for what I like, too.
Like reading, or putting puzzles together that have more than 24 pieces, without the help of a toddler, or finishing the crocheted baby blankets for my two now-toddlers, or coloring, or sewing, or running.
I've ready all the advice about making time for me, how important that is, blah blah. But I already have so little time with my kids, and they already act out sometimes when they are low on mommy time. I can't let work slide without jeopardizing my job, and I can't let my hubby slide because my marriage is so important as the foundation of my life. So I just keep trucking along, and maybe I can do some coloring here and there.
Sigh.
I WANT to learn to sew. My mom sewed a lot when I was growing up. She could whip up Halloween costumes, hem things, take things in, make me two prom dresses - you know, she's THAT good. She made my baptism gown, which was worn by BW for her baptism, and also made gowns for SB and Nugget. I want to make things for my kids, too. At least a freakin' pillowcase dress or blanket or something. Or be able to hem things or take skirts up so the length makes more sense on long, tall little girl legs. I can sew a button on, but otherwise haven't really done any sewing since 8th grade home ec class.
I also bought an adult coloring book and colored pencils. It's supposed to be as close to meditation without actually meditating that you can get. I'm waiting for them to be delivered. I'm not sure when I'm going to do that.
The hubs and I have discussions where he tells me he feels like he is the lowest priority. I'll admit, other things come before him a lot of the time. Work, kids, other family help...but I come in even below him. Well, except for sleep. I am not one of those people who can function on a few hours. Well, I guess I can, but it's not pretty. I have to triple-check emails for typing errors right now, and some still slip through. But I'm still trying to figure out how to carve time out for what I like, too.
Like reading, or putting puzzles together that have more than 24 pieces, without the help of a toddler, or finishing the crocheted baby blankets for my two now-toddlers, or coloring, or sewing, or running.
I've ready all the advice about making time for me, how important that is, blah blah. But I already have so little time with my kids, and they already act out sometimes when they are low on mommy time. I can't let work slide without jeopardizing my job, and I can't let my hubby slide because my marriage is so important as the foundation of my life. So I just keep trucking along, and maybe I can do some coloring here and there.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Tired....
I am tired. Oh, so tired. SB has been extra clingy and whiny lately. I initially thought it was just a phase or a "Two" thing, but the hubs has been feeling awful for the past few days with a headache, and has been diagnosed with a virus of undetermined origin, so I suspect SB may have the same thing, since she seems to pick up all the germs that exist in the universe.
Last night was killer. I was up late working until 11 pm. Then Nugget woke up, so I nursed her and crawled into bed around 11:30. SB woke up around 12:30, and was up crying off and on until approximately 2 - when I went in with a blanket and pillow and slept on her floor...until the hubs came and woke me up about 45 minutes later to nurse Nugget again. Went back to bed until about 5:30, when Nugget decided to nurse again. As she was dozing off, heard SB start crying again. Put Nugget down, took SB to the potty. Nugget woke up. SB wouldn't go back to bed. Put SB in our bed at 6:00, awake but happy to snuggle into my pillow. Hubs brought Nugget, wide awake and happy as a clam, into our room as well, and I got ready for work. So, two children whose normal wake time is 7 am both up before 6 am, and I'm running on...about 4 hours of interrupted sleep?
Wah. The hubs was nice enough to bring me lunch today with an extra sugary treat and some soda to give me an afternoon kick of caffeine.
Last night was killer. I was up late working until 11 pm. Then Nugget woke up, so I nursed her and crawled into bed around 11:30. SB woke up around 12:30, and was up crying off and on until approximately 2 - when I went in with a blanket and pillow and slept on her floor...until the hubs came and woke me up about 45 minutes later to nurse Nugget again. Went back to bed until about 5:30, when Nugget decided to nurse again. As she was dozing off, heard SB start crying again. Put Nugget down, took SB to the potty. Nugget woke up. SB wouldn't go back to bed. Put SB in our bed at 6:00, awake but happy to snuggle into my pillow. Hubs brought Nugget, wide awake and happy as a clam, into our room as well, and I got ready for work. So, two children whose normal wake time is 7 am both up before 6 am, and I'm running on...about 4 hours of interrupted sleep?
Wah. The hubs was nice enough to bring me lunch today with an extra sugary treat and some soda to give me an afternoon kick of caffeine.
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