Writing

So, I'll all caught up in the Rachel Hollis last 90 days thing that all consultants of a certain MLM skincare company are crazed about (is everyone else friends with at least 20 of these consultants on FB, or is it just me?).  Anyway, we have been going through a lot of changes in our house, which I will put in another post (Scattered Excerpts, remember? No linear posting here) and I've also been trying to be more deliberate in focusing on goals overall recently because I am ONTHEBRINK of 40 and mid-life crisis, I think.  Anyway, back to writing.


I love writing.  I have loved reading and writing since I was a kid. I belonged to a writing group in high school, where we wrote fiction and met before school to critique each other's stories. I don't think I'm very good at fiction, but still love to write.  After college, I haven't written much; the entries on this blog are pretty much the extent of my writing.


So, a goal I have had is to write more.  I'd love to be published someday (but AHHH, running out of time, I'm so old!! mid-life crisis!) but that is SO FAR outside m comfort zone, so I'm exploring what a goal of writing more/trying to get published looks like, which led me to my question -


Why write? 


I think Hollis touches on this in Girl Wash Your Face - she states that she writes for her, and no one else.  But, do you really write for yourself, and no one else, if you are putting it on the internet?  Why not write in a word doc on your laptop?


My niece has a form of dyslexia, and my sister-in-law shared an article about the science of reading that I found fascinating; so much so that I followed up with listening to the radio program the article arose from, and listened to that as well - with two newly minted kindergarteners, how reading was taught wasn't something I had thought, and hearing how it can  be taught so wrong was concerning.*  One of the takeaways I got from the article was how NEW written language is - it's only be around for a short period of time, relatively speaking, compared to spoken language. It was designed as a way to communicate with others.


Which brings me back to our desire to litter the interwebs with blog posts.  Writing is not just writing in a vacuum, it is a form of communication. The innate purpose of writing is to communicate something to others.  It goes against our very purpose of developing written language to write for ourselves only.  So, like others, I will send my writings out into the internet, and continue to write for myself, but also because I need to communicate in written form.


Next time - more about goals and how I live in fear.  No really.


*After this article, I panicked that our elementary school may be ignoring phonics and phenomes and frantically reviewed the curriculum.  They aren't.  Whew.  Being a parent is hard.

Disorder

This post is a departure for posts of late.  My three littles are great.  Love them to pieces.  Sad over how fast they are growing up.  Feel like a huge failure when they beg to stay home instead of go to daycare.*




The hubs and I had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.  I am not going to go into detail about what led us to counseling, as really, that is unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  Both the hubs and I went to our session expressing that we wanted to work through things and make our marriage work.


During counseling, the counselor asked us what had led us to counseling.  The Hubs listed his concerns.  I listed off my concerns. 


Mine was a long list. 


I was relieved after the first session was over.  I realized I had been really nervous about disgorging all of the issues I saw in our relationship, primarily stemming from the Hubs' choices.  I was nervous about how the Hubs would react, but he mostly nodded in affirmation when I spoke.  Before speaking to the counselor, I had not told anyone else about the things I saw as issues.  I am a very private person, and I do not want to bad-mouth my husband to anyone, lest they unfairly judge him in my venting.  I also do not want people to know about conflict in my marriage.


After our session, my mind is muddled.  Listing everything to another person, finally, has opened my eyes a bit.  As we have started this process, I was terrified of the potential end result.  Scared to be alone, but mostly scared to have to share custody of my kids should we split up.  I love those three little beings so much and I don't want them to grow up in an unhappy home if it would come to that, but I also selfishly want to be their parent day in and day out, not part-time.


However, as I list all the things, note the ways in which the Hubs has breached my trust in the past, I can't help but think that things will never change. Is this the integral part of who he is? Although I felt initially that I was the one fighting to save our marriage and our family, my stance has now changed somewhat.  What sacrifices to my own well-being and self-worth am I willing to make for our family if the Hubs doesn't change his behavior?


I do not deny my contribution to our need for counseling, but my list of all the things has also made me feel, to some extent, that I have initially shouldered too much of the "blame" and I am trying to determine how to communicate that I am not happy with this.


Our counselor communicated during our first session that it normally takes 3-6 months for couples to find the "sweet spot" in marriage counseling, and asked us to commit to that timeframe, which we have done, but oh my, I am not a fan of the shaky footing we are on now.




*I should clarify this is by no means a reflection on our daycare - they love it there.  They are just feeling disconnected from mom and dad.  We never seem to have enough hours in the day.

2016 Goals check in

At work, we have the option of doing a mid-year checkin.  I was reading back through my posts and realized I put 2016 goals together, so I thought I'd record my progress and see if I can re-commit myself to some of these:

Personal

• Get on a regular haircut schedule again (It's been 5 months since I had a haircut, and it looks like it). - FAIL.  I had a haircut in April, but haven't had one since.  I need to call and schedule.
• Get back to being able to run 2 miles nonstop by the end of summer (this is going to be tough unless Nugget starts sleeping more, but a girl can dream). Nope. I ran/walked two and a half miles with the Hubs one night, but I'm going to aim for work out 2-3 times a week instead.
• Finish SB and BW's "baby" blankets (luckily I made them toddler/kid size from the start; I'm cheating a bit here as I just finished SB's; I have a few more hours for BW's). Still have some work to do on BW's, but I made some significant progress last weekend,  Probably have 4 hours or so to go.
• Choose and start "baby" kid blanket for Nugget. I may start looking for "high school graduation blanket" ideas

Work

• Get a promotion (I'm really nervous about this one; I don't have enough confidence in myself). No promotion, but did get a nice raise in March.  Still need to take action on this one.

Household

• Declutter and organize master closet See my last post - this is probably never going to happen.
• Redecorate SB and BW's room to a "big girl room" (I'm super excited about this one, and have even opened my Pinterest app again to explore color ideas. In progress; need to paint and rearrange some shelving. 
• Make our office an office instead of a storage room The office was mostly an office, then we decided to make it a play room so the toys stopped over-running our living room.  So, now I need to paint and get the final "office-y" stuff out of it.

Financial

• Finish paying off medical bills (still some lingering from Nugget's birth and subsequent illnesses) DONE!
• Increase 401(k) contributions 1% over yearly scheduled increase DONE!
• Commit to plan to pay off credit card debt and make substantial dent in credit card debt (this one weighs huge on my mind.  We have more than I'm comfortable with due to the Hubs' stint of unemployment in 2014; the Hubs and I are still working on how to communicate financially after five years of marriage - I think this is still one of the areas that is a work in progress for us, and may be for some time. Still needs to work.  Hubs lost his job after I made these goals and that significantly hindered my ability to make progress on this one.

So, not too much progress, but honestly, I had forgotten about these existence of these goals.  I need to print them out and hang them where they are visible and start knocking them out.

On summer...

I started to type this post long ago, but only made it as far as the title, and now it is September.  Which seems fitting, as that is how our summer went.  it was there for a moment, then it was gone. 

I feel like this summer we finally broke the surface of our drowning in littles and took some big gulps of air.  We still flounder and drop below the surface once in a while, but we're now treading water instead of drowning.  We've found a babysitter we trust as another option besides my mother who we trust to feed and put to bed all three kiddos on her own. We've gotten some (very brief!) time away.  Life is still chaotic and messy and I'm forever behind on projects (my closet will just always be a disaster, I'm afraid) but it feels more manageable.

So, I failed miserably at getting my kids signed up for any "summer activities."  Since I'm a procrastinator, literally everything was full by the time I started trying to register them.  Then I had an "aha" moment.  My kids are in a wonderful daycare center where they get to play outside all day and learn through play, and my work schedule meant any activities would be in the evenings or on weekends.  The activities I was looking at registering (swimming lessons, gymnastics, dance, sports sampler) were all indoors.  Why, for the life of me, would I put my kids indoors in the middle of our relatively short Midwest summer?  So, I viewed my procrastination failure as a blessing in disguise and instead focused on getting outdoors for walks, bike rides, and the playground.  We set up our tiny pool and took full advantage of the neighbor's quick-set pool, ran through sprinklers, drank out of the hose, and enjoyed summer.

And we blinked, and summer was over.   I sent my kids to daycare today in pants and sweatshirts.  Sure, it's getting up to 65 today, but the morning was chilly.  Which I love - I love this time of year, with crisp mornings followed by warm, sunny days.  But it means we are getting closer to the tipping point - the time when my kiddos will be closer to four than three, and closer to two than one.  How is that possible already?  SB and BW have moved to the next preschool room (already?) They just moved from the toddler room a few months ago, and Nugget moved to the toddler room.  She's still bald except for her mullet-in-training in the back, so she still looks like a baby, at least.

Breathing it in

We just recently returned from our week-long vacation, which I'll hopefully squeeze a post in about in the future.  Yesterday was the first day back at daycare for our three little girls, and it was a bit tough on all of them, after having mommy and daddy around 24/7 for 10 days.  Nugget especially had a difficult time transitioning back - after daycare pickup she just wanted to cuddle and snuggle with mama.  She went down for bedtime okay, but then woke around 11 pm and did.not. want to go back to sleep in her crib.  So I sat with her in the chair in her room, and snuggled and just breathed in her baby smell, as soon she won't be a baby anymore.  She would breathe deeply, but then here eyes would slide open, like she was checking if I was still there.  She finally gave in to sleep, but popped up the moment I laid her in her crib and cried.  Since I needed sleep, I took her into our  bed with me at this point.  She snuggled right in against my side and dozed off, although she still wasn't in a deep sleep for a while.  Was I sleeping?  No, but I savored that moment of snuggles and tried to commit the feel of it to memory.  He soft, still covered in baby peach fuzz head on my shoulder, her body curled against my side like it belonged there, her hand spread on my chest for assurance as she dozed.  She has gotten so big all of a sudden and her first birthday is only a few weeks away.  Once Nugget is ready for sleep, she doesn't want to cuddle (family trait), so once she pushed away from me and settled between the hubs and I on her stomach, I knew I could move her to her crib, but even though I'm tired this morning, I'm so glad I was able to sneak in the extra cuddles.  I am 99% sure she is my last baby (I can't say never yet), so I want to remember all these moments. 

Pools

The hubs and I decided, a bit last minute, to do an overnight hotel stay this past weekend.  The kids haven't had any pool time in a long time and we have an upcoming week-long trip coming up and I wanted to try out puddle jumpers for the girls before I take up a ridiculous amount of space in our luggage.  Lessons learned:

1). An overnight hotel stay at a hotel with a "water park" (read: small pool with one slide and a kiddie area) is pricey for a family of 6.
2) Taking a trip to a hotel without my mother is infinitely more relaxing than taking a trip with her.
3) If I have to share a bed with one of our twins, I pick BW (the hubs got SB and battled for space most of the night)
4) Nugget is not a fan of the pack and play and would prefer the nice cozy hotel bed
5) Taking toddlers to the pool is more enjoyable for everyone once they can touch the bottom, because
6) My TWO YEAR OLDS can touch the bottom and keep their heads above water in 3 feet of water.  Is that supposed to happen?

Seriously, being able to feel the bottom was a game-changer for BW.  She is normally our risk averse kid, but once she figured out she could touch she would paddle around in her puddle jumper and even ducked her head below water a few times.  We have another hotel stay planned for 2 weeks with my mom and they will get some more pool time in then -great to see them enjoying it.

So we let SB and BW stay up late and watch a movie, pumped them full of unhealthy snacks, and had a great time.  The week-long trip (with my mother, see number 2 above) will totally be smooth sailing, right?

Only two

I'm stopping by to write for a quick reprieve before jumping into work for the day.  The holiday lull has definitely ceased at work and "slammed" is how I again describe my day to the hubs when I get home from work.

The hubs and I are both very tall, so we make tall kids.  BW, in particular, is off the charts.  at 2 1/2ish, she is almost 42 inches tall and 40 lbs - about the size of the average 4-5 year old.  SB is shortly behind her at almost 40 inches tall and 33 lbs.  This brings about a host of challenges, like having people mistake BW for a 4 year old and expecting her to behave like a 4 year old, and giving us the side-eye if she throws a 2-y-o tantrum.  She's potty trained now, so at least the judgy looks about her wearing a diaper have stopped, but there are some days I want to have a t-shirt made that says, I'm 2, so people know that she is just acting her age sometimes.

However, I think the hardest thing is meeting the emotional and physical needs of a 2-y-old in a 4 year old-size body.   I can still pick both of them up and carry them if necessary, but there are times they want to be held and cuddled by their mama, or they just need a carry because their legs are tired, or because they are TWO.   BW doesn't get carried much, because (1) she's a lot to carry, (2) she isn't a good contributor to being carried - she doesn't hold on and just hangs out and makes you do all the work and (3) she doesn't seem like she needs to or should be carried because she seems older than her age.  I have to remind myself, too, that she is still only 2, and sometimes 2-year-olds needs some carries and cuddles, because.  Even if my back sometimes disagrees. 

Turning a corner?

I am furiously knocking on wood as I type this, but I think we may have turned a sleep corner.  Like Nugget has suddenly decided that she's cool with going to sleep and staying asleep, or putting herself back to sleep without needing to nurse.

If she has accomplished this without sleep training....yay.  I was worried I was getting to the point where my sanity couldn't take it anymore and we'd have to do some form of sleep training.

So, over the past few days, we have gone from 3-5 wake-ups a night to ONE last night.  One.  If I hadn't needed to stay up until almost midnight doing work I would feel so refreshed today, haha.  It also helps that SB and BW did not make a peep last night after a few nights in a row of terrible nightmares.

I'm giving some credit to her new sleep sack.  That thing is AH-MA-ZING.  I want one for me.  More on that in another post.

2016 goals

I want to make things happen in 2016, instead of putting them off or talking about them but not taking action or waiting for them to happen.  I don't want them to be resolutions; I want them to be  goals.  I'm not sure what the difference is really, but I'm aiming for goals.  My first goal is to make a list of goals for four areas - personal, work, household, and financial.  This is my start - I'm not going to share them all, but I'm going to commit to some here, for "everyone" to see.

Personal

• Get on a regular haircut schedule again (It's been 5 months since I had a haircut, and it looks like it).
• Get back to being able to run 2 miles nonstop by the end of summer (this is going to be tough unless Nugget starts sleeping more, but a girl can dream)
• Finish SB and BW's "baby" blankets (luckily I made them toddler/kid size from the start; I'm cheating a bit here as I just finished SB's; I have a few more hours for BW's).
• Choose and start "baby" kid blanket for Nugget.

Work

• Get a promotion (I'm really nervous about this one; I don't have enough confidence in myself).

Household

• Declutter and organize master closet
• Redecorate SB and BW's room to a "big girl room" (I'm super excited about this one, and have even opened my Pinterest app again to explore color ideas.
• Make our office an office instead of a storage room

Financial

• Finish paying off medical bills (still some lingering from Nugget's birth and subsequent illnesses)
• Increase 401(k) contributions 1% over yearly scheduled increase
• Commit to plan to pay off credit card debt and make substantial dent in credit card debt (this one weighs huge on my mind.  We have more than I'm comfortable with due to the Hubs' stint of unemployment in 2014; the Hubs and I are still working on how to communicate financially after five years of marriage - I think this is still one of the areas that is a work in progress for us, and may be for some time.

2016 began with a bang

Well, at least with a banging head, that is.  I woke up to the New Year with a terrible migraine.  We had to push off our family plans because I was unable to function for the first several hours of the New Year, likely a combination of not enough sleep and some yucky sinus virus.

We also rang in the New Year with three littles on antibiotics.  Nugget on a second course for the ear infections that won't quit, and SB and BW were both diagnosed with strep just after Christmas.  Thank you daycare.

I am on the mend, Nugget's last dose of antibiotics was this morning, and I am thankful that our illnesses our minor.

The hubs got me a fitbit for Christmas (I know I'm a bit late to the game). It has led to some interesting revelations. 

1) The sleep function is not entirely accurate.  I'm awake enough during portions of the night to have an awareness of when I'm awake (thank you, reverse-cycling infant), and the fitbit doesn't always register when I'm awake.  The other morning it credited me with an extra 40 minutes of sleep because it didn't register me waking, using the bathroom, putting my contacts in, and taking it off to set it on the counter while I showered.  I wish, fitbit, I wish.  With the inaccuracy, I average about 5.5 hours of interrupted sleep time a night, and I'd estimate that it's crediting me with an additional 30+ minutes of sleep that I'm not actually sleeping at night.  No wonder I'm tired.

2) It's a bit tricky if you are ambidextrous, as I don't have a true "dominant" hand - my hands share the load equally. - righty writes and does some stuff, but lefty does the majority of the other tasks - eating, brushing teeth, etc.  Even though I now have it coded as dominant on my left arm, I still have to remove it to brush my teeth or it counts every swipe as a step.

3) It is fascinating to see how many times I climb our stairs during a weekend.  Our two-story house plus my sleep-deprivation forgetfulness is certainly helping me burn calories.

4) I am terribly sedentary at work.  I am looking forward to when I can get more sleep so I can get more exercise in during the week. I can easily meet the 10K steps at home on weekends with cleaning and chasing after toddlers, but during the week I barely make half that.  Ugh.

I'm looking forward to 2016, although this year our babes will turn 3 and 1. What?  I'm aiming to write down goals this year - personal, work, household, and financial.  I want to make a bunch of things happen and I want to commit to them happening. More on that soon.

Did you hear that?

BW is in this fun stage where she says "Did you hear that?" or "Did you see that?" and the hubs and I almost always repeat it and giggle because all we can think of is Elf and Will Farrell and the belch scene when he says "did you hear that?"  It's awesome. 

Christmas with 2 and a half year olds is SO MUCH FUN.  They get it enough to be excited about it this year.  They can sing large portions of Christmas songs and have some favorites (Rudolph, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah...)

Christmas with 2 and a half year olds and an infant is EXHAUSTING.  Nugget started sleeping better, and is taking bottles again (hooray!) but then got sick and therefore sleeping like poo again, plus is suddenly starvingmusteatseveraltimesatnightbecauseyoudidn'tfeedmeforafewweeksexceptforthoseyuckybottlethings.
I got a whopping 6 hours of interrupted sleep last night, some of which was on SB and BW's floor since BW must have had a nightmare and either wanted to sit in the bathroom pretending to poop with the lights blazing or have me sleep next to her on the floor.  Floor it is.  So, we're hosting both Christmas Eve and Christmas day at our house (thank you, divorced parents).  Luckily, the hubs is the cook in the family, an this week is the week our cleaning lady comes, but still.  I already don't have enough time.  Even with doing nearly all of my shopping online, I am still struggling to find time to wrap the gifts. Christmas cards just got finished up last night (and in the mail today! they might make it!).  Work still needs to be done and stuff, and the end of the year is looming quickly.  At least I'm sort of halfway not really but its better than it was caught up on laundry. 

So, I could be freaking out.  I could be sleeping even less to get everything done (and I probably will tonight and tomorrow) but last night as we wrote out Christmas cards we had ice cream and DH and I teased each other and laughed and entertained DSD with our witty banter and childish behavior (there was a pen fight that drew blood and tickling and sitting on one another and otherwise acting not our age).  It was a great pre-holiday evening.

Bottle refusal

Nugget has taken me into new territory once again.  About a month ago, she started getting wishy-washy about taking her bottles.  Daycare was struggling to get her to take her whole bottle.  Daddy was struggling at home to get her to take her whole bottle.  I wasn't too worried because she was teething and was only missing out on a few ounces here and there. 

Now, a month later, the little stinker is pretty much outright refusing bottles.  Takes an ounce here or there.  I can nurse over lunch most days, and have been doing so, but she is effectively taking in anywhere from 2-4 ounces in addition to her nursing session.  If she is getting a full session, which I think she is, she is probably getting close to the 9 oz she would be expected to take in, so I'm not too worked up about it, but it makes life more interesting, as I'm supposed to have a work trip coming up, that I am seriously expecting I might have to bring my mom with me on so she can watch Nugget and I can nurse, since she won't take bottles.  She's not nursing at night to make up for the low volume at daycare, in fact has dropped to one night waking, and isn't eating much for solids yet, so I'm a bit baffled.  She could easily be taking in 5+ oz a nursing session though, so 5 feedings could still be 20-25 oz of milk, which isn't abnormal. SB and BW were every-three-hours during the day and 1-2 times a night nursers until close to a year, so this chubby baby who slows down her eating thing is all new to me.

Sickness strikes again

It's only December, and I already feel like we are living at the doctor's office this cold and flu season.

SB kicked things off with an ear infection.  This was like her third ear infection total, so it wasn't really on my radar.  10 days of antibiotics later...

Nugget had her six month appointment, and as I wrote earlier, had a double ear infection. Since she's been on antibiotics twice recently (ear infection, then respiratory infection) they tried a Z-pac this time - three days of antibiotics for her.

Then, BW had a couple accidents at daycare, and was suddenly waking up every morning with a wet pull-up.  I greatly appreciate daycare, because I would probably have been clueless had they not gently suggested that accidents like that can be indicative of a UTI.  So, after a doctor visit and urine sample (I'll write more about that later) BW was diagnosed with a bladder infection.  7 days of antibiotics for her.  Then, she has to have a repeat urine sample 3 days after finishing the antibiotics.  The following week, Nugget is scheduled for an ear recheck to make sure her ears are clear since she's had two ear infections in short order.

Sigh.  At least giving birth this year means we met our deductible long ago.

The last time...

I read an article or blog post a few years ago, can't remember which, about how we celebrate the "firsts" for kids, but how it's the "lasts" that are the most bittersweet.  With Nugget, I am finding how true that is.  I am 99% sure she is our last baby.  As the article stated, you often don't even know that you had the "last" until it is already gone.  Like the last time baby fits into a newborn outfit.  Or the last time you see that gummy smile before a tooth pokes through. 

I've sold our infant swing.  The rock n play is folded up, waiting for me to list it for sale.  The bouncy seat is stashed in our storage room, also waiting to be sold.  Nugget is closer to seven months than six.  She is sitting up on her own, army crawling across the floor, and loving eating solids.  I am oh-so-tired, but I know that there will be  time not very far off that I will not sleepily carry Nugget into our room in the early morning hours, before the sun is quite up, and snuggle and nurse her while we both half-doze.

This morning, BW picked out her clothes, then completely dressed herself, except for a little help with her socks.  With three under three, I've been working on self-dressing with SB and BW, but to have it suddenly a reality makes me realize how quickly they are growing up.  SB talked excitedly this morning about how when she gets bigger she will ride on the school bus, the biggest one.  Soon enough, little one. 

......

Then, we got to daycare and BW threw a fit because she wanted to go first (I'm not sure what or how she wanted to go first, as we were walking down the hall and she was in front of me) and then SB started crying as well, because why wouldn't you cry if you sister is crying? Still my little toddlers, after all :)

On starting solids, the second time around

I did a post when I started solids with SB and BW, which you can find here.  Yet again, I was such a first-time mom.  No cereal - it's empty calories! No iron supplements - we'll feed iron-rich foods! 

Result?  Two anemic babies.

Not serious anemia, but we had to do twice-daily iron drops, SB and BW seemed particularly vulnerable to illness, which then caused their hemoglobin levels to drop again, and it was a months-long process of iron supplements, frequent scanning of the internet and nutrition labels to find iron-rich foods, and finger-sticks to check levels.  And iron drops?  Horrid.  It's like drinking liquid pennies. Oh, and they can stain teeth, so they should be mixed with something.

The other result is I cringe when I see women commenting on various parenting sites that "food before one is just for fun" or quoting kellymom.com as the end all/be all of reliable sources on the high level of absorption of iron from breastmilk, or "cereal is garbage and tastes terrible", or "cereal is just filler and has no nutritional value" - this last one just kills me.  It does have nutritional value - it has iron in it.  Even if the iron in BM is highly absorbed, it's not enough, and if you have kids that aren't interested in eating iron-rich foods (like SB in particular), anemia is a real possibility. I've even seen some moms post that it is OKAY for your baby to be anemic.  Iron is important for brain development.  I'm not willing to sacrifice brain development because baby cereal doesn't taste very good.  You know what else doesn't taste very good? Iron drops.

SO, Nugget has been sampling the baby cereal (although we skipped rice and went right to oatmeal). And, as I would expect of my roly-poly chubbers baby, she loves eating like a big girl. 

Although my experiences with SB and BW have changed my direction a bit this time around, it's also given me good knowledge so I don't have to rely on cereal as a sole iron source.  We'll be offering blended meat and blended beans (SB and BW ate lots of beans, and still do - great source of iron). We also offered SB and BW blackstrap molasses frequently - as a syrup on pancakes, as a sauce on chicken, as a dipping sauce for meatballs, and they loved it.  I'm not sure if they would still eat it - they haven't had it in a while, and it's a pretty strong flavor, but it was very versatile for us, and SB liked it so much that she wouldn't eat plain chicken but would eat it if it was drizzled with blackstrap molasses.

In other news...sob.  My baby is already moving on to solids.  6 months went fast, I'm sure the next 6 will only go faster.

I'll take the gift of sleep for the holidays, please

My last post included Nugget's sudden penchant for middle of the night parties every 45 minutes to an hour or more.  This went on for a week.  Nugget was sleeping in the RnP for portions of the night so we could all get some sleep.  Nugget was spending a few hours attached to the boob so we could all get some sleep.  I have much greater sympathy for those moms who say their child won't sleep unless they are attached, because we did that for a couple hours two nights in a row.  I learned that I love baby snuggles, but bed-sharing is not for me.  The manner in which I have to lay to make sure I am not concerned about baby rolling in to me, and the shallow sleep pattern I am in since I am conscious of baby next to me is not restful at all.  Yawn.

Anyway, to keep this brief, Nugget had her 6-month check-up, and it turns out she had a double ear infection.  I felt like a terrible mom, but aside from some differences in her normal behavior that really only clued me in after the fact (the waking all the time thing, and being a booger about taking bottles at daycare) she was absolutely unchanged.  She was her same smiley, cooing self, and even her night wakings she was cooing and squealing like she just wanted to be awake for the heck of it. No fever, no tugging on ears, nothing.  So, good to know that the kid doesn't show signs of being sick like I would expect.

It's taken a course of antibiotics and a few days, but Nugget is finally, after almost 2 weeks, starting to sleep some longer stretches again.  Every time I get her to sleep and lay her down, I pray she will sleep at least 2 hours.  Last night she slept from 8-10, and 10-3.  I'll take it.

In other news, she is at the weight limit, and, with rolling and sitting unassisted and being almost able to pull herself fully sitting, developmental limit, for the RnP.  It needs to go.  However, it's so nice to have the incline sleep option if necessary.  Sigh.

Week 26

I've had a rudimentary understanding of the Wonder Weeks since SB and BW were little, but I haven't done heavy reading into it.  It makes sense that babies have developmental leaps; but I don't know that I need to have specific instruction to "help" my baby through the leap. 

I vaguely recalled that one was around the six-month mark, so when Nugget slept like poo a few nights ago, and decided that the middle of the night was a great time to have a party last night, I decided to look it up.  Closest leap? 26 weeks.  Nugget's age?  26 weeks, 1 day.  Week 26 is supposed to be about relationships.  Baby realizes that things have differing distances from baby.  Which explains why Nugget thought she should wake up and nurse every 1-2 hours a few nights ago.  Must have mommy close.  Also explains while she was squealing and cooing to herself in her crib the next night and I went to peek in at her (hoping she would soothe herself to sleep) she had her paci outstretched and was turning it slowly too and fro, studying it carefully.

She's also started using rolling as a mode of transportation, like she just realized there is a purpose and benefit to being able to roll over, and it's not just an accident or novelty.  She doesn't complain about being put on her tummy anymore because she knows she can change it if she wants to.  She also is really starting to love interacting with SB and BW.  She smiles at them and "talks" to them, and they can usually distract her if she is starting to get fussy and I need a minute or two to finish something up.  Although SB and BW are technically our "middle" children, I have a feeling Nugget will be our mediator.  She is very calm most of the time, although she has her moments.  I can't wait to keep watching them grow up together. 

Who am I?

I had a chiropractor appointment for the raging sciatica that has suddenly made my life miserable this week.  Chronic pain sufferers - I am so sorry.  I've only been dealing with this for four days.  I hope I can get it under control because it's affecting my life.

Anyway, because of the immediate pain, I couldn't see my regular chiro, because she is like, the best ever and always pretty booked.  So, as the chiro is doing all sorts of lovely cracking things to my back, he asks me this question:

"So, what do you do for fun?"

Umm..Ahh...well...go to the chiropractor?

Nothing. I do nothing.  Does facebook surfing while half-watching whatever show the Hubs has chosen count?  Candy Crush Soda Saga?  Because that's pretty much all I do outside of mothering, laundry and work. 

Maybe he should have asked "what would you do for fun if you could?"

Take my kids swimming, start running again, go camping, waterski, snow ski down the bunny hill (I am adverse to speed), read, crochet, knit, put puzzles together, grown-up color, learn to sew on my sewing machine that sits in the closet.

I suppose spending time with family counts.  But that's not always fun for me.  I need to start looking more for things that are fun for me.

Sharing the burden

Hubs and I tag-team daycare drop off in the morning.  We have a routine - he takes Nugget and drops her in her room, and I take SB and BW to their room.  Hubs checks the kids in on the computer system, and waits for me and we walk out together. 

One thing that bothers me is that when Hubs and I are upset with each other, like we were this morning from an argument that lingered from last night, I'm sure it shows.  I'm sure staff and other parents can tell that our demeanor toward another is different.  I probably care too much about what people think, but it bothers me that this coolness is on display for everyone. 

Our argument last night was over something simple, but turned into something hard, with anger.  I have, for some reason, suffered from unrelenting sciatica for the past three days.  That, coupled with lack of sleep and stress and frustration led to me getting more angry that I thought I could.  I left the house to cool off.  I'm ashamed that I got so angry.  I'm ashamed and afraid that perhaps our voices were loud enough that they disturbed the sleep of SB and BW, and might have scared them.  My early childhood was filled with lots of fighting between my parents. Most of the details I've forgotten, but a few I remember. I don't want my kids to have those memories, so I am ashamed it may have happened last night.

I can do daycare drop off (and pick up) on my own, and I have several times.  It's a bit of a juggling act, and I may have clunked a toddler in the head with Nugget's infant seat once or twice, but it's not impossible.  However, it is so much easier to share with Hubs, like everything else in life.  I can do it on my own, but I want to do life with the person I love by my side. I want to share the burden. I want to support him when he needs it, and I want him to support me when I need it. Even after half a decade, we're still figuring this out - I expect it's a lifetime learning experience.

Me time

I packed up the three littles and went to visit my mom this weekend.  She was working on a sewing project and I remarked that I needed to get out my sewing machine that the hubs gave me for Christmas last year and do some sewing.  She chuckled and asked me when I was going to do that. 

Sigh.

I WANT to learn to sew. My mom sewed a lot when I was growing up.  She could whip up Halloween costumes, hem things, take things in, make me two prom dresses - you know, she's THAT good.  She made my baptism gown, which was worn by BW for her baptism, and also made gowns for SB and Nugget.  I want to make things for my kids, too.  At least a freakin' pillowcase dress or blanket or something. Or be able to hem things or take skirts up so the length makes more sense on long, tall little girl legs.  I can sew a button on, but otherwise haven't really done any sewing since 8th grade home ec class.

I also bought an adult coloring book and colored pencils.  It's supposed to be as close to meditation without actually meditating that you can get.  I'm waiting for them to be delivered.  I'm not sure when I'm going to do that.

The hubs and I have discussions where he tells me he feels like he is the lowest priority.  I'll admit, other things come before him a lot of the time.  Work, kids, other family help...but I come in even below him.  Well, except for sleep.  I am not one of those people who can function on a few hours.  Well, I guess I can, but it's not pretty.  I have to triple-check emails for typing errors right now, and some still slip through. But I'm still trying to figure out how to carve time out for what I like, too. 

Like reading, or putting puzzles together that have more than 24 pieces, without the help of a toddler, or finishing the crocheted baby blankets for my two now-toddlers, or coloring, or sewing, or running. 

I've ready all the advice about making time for me, how important that is, blah blah.  But I already have so little time with my kids, and they already act out sometimes when they are low on mommy time. I can't let work slide without jeopardizing my job, and I can't let my hubby slide because my marriage is so important as the foundation of my life.  So I just keep trucking along, and maybe I can do some coloring here and there.